The Wit and Wisdom of Critical Role

Critical Role is an online game of Dungeons & Dragons which can be seen on the Geek & Sundry Twitch and YouTube channels.  The group consists of seven players1 and one DM, all voice actors.

As a player of D&D and other role-playing games for over 35 years, I can tell you that it doesn’t take a voice actor to come up with some wise, witty, or otherwise memorable dialogue as you play.  But the Critical Role crew does come up with some gems, and I’ve collected a few of my favorites here.

Sometimes it is not clear whether a player is speaking “in character” or not.  For simplicity’s sake, I credit all player quotes to their characters.

Fair warning — there is some crude language here.

 

"How do you want to do this?"
--DM Matt Mercer, almost every episode

 

I have an Intelligence of 6.  I know what I’m doing!
–Grog, episode 1

Just trust me that I have no idea what I’m doing.
–Scanlan, episode 1

And I’ve been practicing my Cornwall accent for five minutes! … shit …
–Keyleth, episode 2

Darkvision means you can see in the dark.  It doesn’t mean you don’t see.
–DM Matt Mercer, episode 2

Never attack the bedding before you know the thread count.
–Percy, episode 2

No matter what you tell the cantaloupe, it’s not going to feel better about itself.
–Percy, episode 2

You lost our flying carpet, you unconscious bastard!
–Vex, episode 3

You’re not diseased, you’re special!
–Keyleth, episode 4

Is it like a … many-armed … situation?
–Pike, episode 4

Grog, you better be throwing some bitches into that lava!
–Keyleth, episode 5

I got 99 problems and a troll ain’t one!
–Vax, episode 5

So, the little piles of shit have huevos.
–Grog, episode 5

I didn’t have to do anything, Scanlan!
— Make out with me! We’re alone, it’s super romantic, I just killed two fuckers, it’s now or never, baby!
Well, … let’s wait until we’re out of danger.
–Pike & Scanlan, episode 6

Can you persuade a crit fail?
–Keyleth, episode 6

I’m really bad at stealthing.  We should go.
–Scanlan, episode 6

I encourage violence.
–Tiberius, episode 6

Let’s make this nice and easy.  I smack Grog on the ass and say, “Go get him!”
–Vex, episode 6

Who’s your deity, Harvey Keitel?!
–Vax, episode 6

Oh, I should have been so smart, but I wasn’t.
–Vex, episode 7

She’s suffering from PTSD — why are you poking the badger?
–Vax, episode 8

Try blinding him with science, that usually works.
–Percy, episode 8

I would like to rage … and run!
–Grog, episode 10

Don’t worry, that hard wood is the boat.
–Scanlan, episode 10

We’ve got arrows and guns.  We’re fine.
–Percy, episode 10

And I’m going to attack it twice, because I’m … original.
–Vex, episode 10

We are not making a holy hand grenade.
–Percy, episode 10

You can talk [while you’re raging], but it comes through in single words and usually not in a diplomatic way.
–DM Matt Mercer, episode 11

I call out in Giant, uh, “Nipple tank knuckle brew,” which means, “Brother! We seek to fight a great evil, perchance would you, wouldst thou carest to join us in the fight? I have ale.”
–Grog, episode 11

Of course Trinket is worth it!  I was being Bizarro Scanlan.
–Scanlan, episode 11

Screw it, I want my final words with you to be indignant and irritated.
–Percy, episode 11

Are you still running for Congress out there?
–Scanlan, episode 13

She’s working for the Illuminati and we’re basically the A-Team, so I think she might know a little better.
–Vax, episode 14

You guys, we have a weekend!
–Keyleth, episode 14

[Grog,] I’m nudging you because Kima just did something super hot.
–Tiberius, episode 16

This temple goes to six!
–Pike, episode 16

[spoken simultaneously]
Haggle with the Pope!
— Shaking down the Pope!
–Scanlan & Percy, episode 16

OW! Bad car wash! Bad car wash!
–Grog, episode 16

Could you do [my brand] in henna?
–Scanlan, episode 17

I’ve made a holy hand grenade!
–Percy, episode 18

“The quarry: one adult white dragon –”  One adult white dragon?!
–Percy, episode 18

I’m in the pajamas with the butt flap and the butt flap is down!
–Percy, episode 18

I’m just screaming in their face like a manic pixie.
–Percy, episode 18

I’m freaked out right now.  These are very large individuals, I’ve only read about them, and they smell slightly like feet.
–Lyra, episode 19

It is the most adorable barfing sound you’ve ever heard, though.
–DM Matt Mercer, episode 19

He smells like sandalwood … and dismissiveness.
–Lyra, episode 19

There is no character class in D&D more dangerous than “mother.”
–DM Matt Mercer, episode 19

Percy, use your badass motherfucker feat to make it work!
–Grog, episode 19

I built a thing!  And it blew up!  On purpose!
–Percy, episode 19

You will leave when Burt Reynolds tells you to leave!
–Scanlan, episode 19

Yes. I. Fucking. CAN!
–Zahra, episode 19

Oh, let’s just get on with it, shall we?  Jesus, whoever that is.
— That was that one carpenter we met, in Vasselheim.
Oh, he was sweet.  Had some good herb.
–Vax & Tiberius, episode 20

How long does it take me to pull the axe out of the wall and how far into “Yakity Sax”2 does the soundtrack get?
–Thorbir, episode 20

Yeah, because dwarves are known for our dicks which are sensitive to rat bites.
–Thorbir, episode 21

I Fonzied it.
–Vax, episode 21

Guys, I’ve just had a near-death experience, and I’m craving some lasagna.  So I’m going to make some of the best goddamned lasagna you’ve ever had in your life.
–Keyleth, episode 21

I want to know everything about him!  I want to know his parents’ names!  I want to know his bank account balance!  And I want to know his Ashley Madison password!
–Thorbir, episode 21

We slept in a tent!  In the woods!  With the loudest librarian on God’s green earth!
–Percy, episode 22

It wasn’t a guy with a cat hat, it was a demon.
–Vax, episode 22

It could be your pubes!  Don’t jump to conclusions!
–Vax, episode 22

Geeze, why do I always get busted?
–Keyleth, episode 23

I lift up my shirt and say, “I love you, Grog!”
–Vex, episode 23

Tell us what you see.  Unless she’s naked, in which case stop looking.
–Vex, episode 23

You bought a dagger so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.
–Percy, episode 24

 

"As my consciousness fades away, I don't say anything, but here's what I
think in a split second:  I think of my friends, that I've spent so much
time with.  I think of Keyleth, beautiful, walking under the trees.  I think
of my twin sister as a young girl, folding linens with our mother.  I think of
my sister as an adolescent, smarter than me.  I think of the woman she grew
into, hiking over many, many, many miles together, my best friend.  My best
friend.  Vex'ahlia.  And before I can think no more, I say a prayer to Sarenrae
to watch over my friends and keep them safe."
--Vax, episode 25

 

I’ve read about this. We bury him under the ground for five days and five nights and all will be better…. or that could be kimchee.  Either way, it’ll be very tasty.
–Scanlan, episode 25

We’re all cows, just embrace it.
–Keyleth, episode 26

Okay, so we have a group of weirdly sized flying cows, in the moonlight, chasing after a giant bird…. I love Dungeons & Dragons!
–DM Matt Mercer, episode 26

Don’t throw around the D-word [dead] unless it’s the D-word!
–Grog, episode 28

Hell yeah, I look like an Ed Hardy tattoo!
–Keyleth, episode 28

[sarcastically]Yes, let’s go into the middle of the vampire-infested town and do some arbory to try to heal the tree and then we’ll just say “oh Sun God, please rain down sun.”
— [sincerely]I like it, let’s do it.
–Scanlan and Vex, episode 28

I heard you’re supposed to pee on a lemon tree, so … Can I make a nature check to see if that’s true?
–Grog, episode 28

It’s not overkill if we used what it took.
–Percy, episode 29

Hello, I’d like to share the news of our lord and savior MyAxeInYourFace!
–Grog, episode 29

Don’t make me laugh, this is dark shit.
–Percy, episode 29

The butt flap of my soul is down.  I’m well dressed at the moment.
–Percy, episode 30

Are we going to find another house to kill now?  I mean, carefully investigate and thoroughly due diligence the heads before we smash ’em?
–Grog, episode 30

How does Trinket want to do this?3
— DM Matthew Mercer, episode 31

Is it a holy feast?  Do we all do holy damage now?
— No, but holy shit is it delicious.
–Vex and DM Matt Mercer, episode 32