Compiled from the flotsam and jetsam of the Net
Back to Genesis
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam said, “Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here and it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourself.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and was a companion to him and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts and preens like a peacock and he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well.”
And the Lord said, “No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever and who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration.”
And God created Cat to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased.
And Adam was greatly improved.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t care one way or the other.
Have you ever suspected that your cat may be from another planet?
Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat standing on top of you, peering into your face, as if poised to perform some diabolical extraterrestrial experiment? When you feed your cat, does he or she look up at you skeptically as if to say, “My rations in the spacepod were much better than this.” If so, your cat may be from outer space.
Many people live with cats from outer space. They may not realize it for years. Then one day, they’re reading the Weekly World News and they notice that the pictured space aliens bear remarkable similarity to the moony-eyed, potbellied feline enigma crunched on their lap. Reading further, they begin to suspect that their own cat may be involved in the alien abductions. They consider bringing it up with the cat, but fear that they themselves may end up rocketing across the galaxy on a spaceship full of cats, an empty bag of kibble stuffed in their mouth.
How to Tell If Your Cat Is from Outer Space:
If you suspect that your cat may be from another planet, ask yourself these questions.
- Do you sometimes wake in the night to find your cat fighting with extraterrestrial beings from another dimension that no one but the cat can see?
- Does your cat often simulate life in an anti-gravity environment by rolling on his back to look at you upside down, or stretch into peculiar ballet positions in your arms? Does your cat pretzel into strange sleeping postures that suggest she has undergone extensive astronaut training?
- Does your cat try to communicate with extraterrestrials by meowing at the TV, sitting on short-wave radios, lying on the computer monitor, or in any way attempting to serve as an antenna for a piece of consumer electronics?
- Does your cat stare at walls for hours as if receiving radio messages from the mothership through the plasterboard?
- Does your cat respond to the phrase “Beam me up!” Does your cat respond to anything in Klingon?
- Does your cat meticulously push the sand around in her litterbox so that it looks crater-pocked like the lunar surface?
- Does your cat’s style of communicating with your computer seem more advanced than your own? For instance, does the cat sit on the monitor and look at it upside-down, or lay on the keyboard until the computer won’t stop beeping?
- Does your cat seem more intelligent than you are sometimes–and superior to you as well?
If you’ve answered “yes” to any of the above, your cat may be a visitor on earth, sneakily gathering reconnaissance information to aid his race in their plan to conquer human civilization and blanket the earth with carpet-covered kitty condos. Whatever you do, don’t give him directions to the carpet store.
What Cats from Outer-Space Look Like
Cats from outer-space look very much like ordinary cats. They have four feet, a tail, whiskers, ears that swivel side to side to pick up sounds from deep space, and eyes that look at you as if they can’t believe how dumb you are. In addition, they are remarkably adept at getting you to do things that you wouldn’t ordinarily do like pulling yourself out of bed at 3 a.m. to freshen
the bowl of liver bits, or opening the back door a dozen times in less than an hour to let the cat in and out.
What to Feed Cats from Outer Space
Nothing that you feed your cat from outer space will be as good as what they ate on their home planet–and they will remind you of this frequently. So don’t even try to placate them.
Special Care Tips for Cats from Other Planets
Remember that sometimes your cat will slip into an alternate universe in which he will confuse you for a giant spaceship vending machine–one that he needs merely to stand in front of meowing in order to elicit bowls of tuna and bits of cheese. Depending upon what corner of the galaxy your cat harkens from, he may confuse you for a robot instead–one that he must repeatedly trip in order to procure treats and transport from.
How Cats from Outer Space Differ from Cats Who’ve Been Abducted by Aliens
Finally, you should not confuse cats from outer space with those who’ve been abducted by aliens. While the two kinds of cats are similar in many ways, cats who’ve been abducted by aliens like to run through the house crazily at night, jumping over furniture and scooting behind potted plants, re-enacting their escape from green men in saucer-shaped ships.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL:
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
- Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
- Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
- Arrange for vet to make a house call.
Commandments for Cats
(Don’t we wish they’d listen!)
- Thou shalt not jump onto the keyboard when thy human is on the modem.
- Thou shalt not pull the phone cord out of the back of the modem.
- Thou shalt not unroll all of the toilet paper off the roll.
- Thou shalt not sit in front of the television or monitor as if thou are transparent.
- Thou shalt not projectile vomit from the top of the refrigerator.
- Thou shalt not walk in on a dinner party and commence licking thy behind.
- Thou shalt not lie down with thy behind in thy human’s face.
- Fast as thou art, thou cannot run through closed doors.
- Thou shalt not reset thy human’s alarm clock by walking on it.
- Thou shalt not climb on the garbage can with the hinged lid, as thou wilt fall in and trap thyself.
- Thou shalt not jump onto the toilet seat just as thy human is sitting down.
- Thou shalt not jump onto thy sleeping human’s bladder at 4 a.m.
- Thou shalt realize that the house is not a prison from which to escape at thy first opportunity.
- Thou shalt not trip thy humans even if they are walking too slowly.
- Thou shalt not push open the bathroom door when there are guests in thy house.
- Thou shalt remember that thou are a carnivore and that houseplants are not meat.
- Thou shalt show remorse when being scolded.
STRICT, UNBENDING RULES FOR DEALING WITH STRAY CATS
- Stray cats will not be fed.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.
- Stray cats will not be fed anything except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.
- Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.
- Stray cats will not be petted, played with or picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.
- Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.
- Stray cats with or without a name will not be allowed inside the house at any time.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except at certain times.
- Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house except on days ending in “y”.
- Stray cats allowed inside will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.
- Stray cats will not be permitted to jump up on, or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.
- Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh’n’Sweet kitty litter.
- Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.
- Stray cats will sleep outside.
- Stray cats will sleep in the garage.
- Stray cats will sleep in the house.
- Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.
- Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lamb’s wool pillow.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.
- Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers except at the foot.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk.
- Stray cats will not play on the desk near the computer.
- Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier’puyykmm4hbdm9l o9jmdskdm,.USING IT.
The CAT User’s Manual
User Installation and Maintenance Documentation
CAT v. 7.0: Completely Autonomous Tester
Manufactured by MOMCAT
System Design Specifications:
- User Friendly
- Mouse Driven
- Self Cleaning
- Energy Saving Standby Mode When Not In Use
- Self Portable Operation
- Dual Video and Audio Input
- Audio Output
- Auto Search Routines for Input Data
- Auto Search for Output Bin
- Instant Transition (<2 nanoseconds) Between Standby and Full Power Mode
After basic KIT construction, the unit undergoes six weeks of onsite ROM programming and burn-in testing. Listed features are installed during this period. Since MOMCAT uses local suppliers, there may be variations between units. MOMCAT’s quality assurance may reject inferior units. Users may sometimes salvage rejected units.
Beware of Far East clones. These may violate import restrictions.
Transportation: A suitable transportation case should be used for transportation to the operating site. Failure to properly ship a CAT unit may result in loss or damage to the unit and serious injury to the user.
Installation Procedures: Upon receiving the CAT unit, the user should examine the unit to verify that all I/O channels are operational. Look for minor bugs in or on the system. Bugs are indicative of the MOMCAT production environment. The user may manually remove any bugs.
Bring the CAT to operation in an environment temperature at 20 degrees C (+/- 3 degrees tolerance). Use a quiet room with the primary user(s) present. Open the transportation case and let the CAT unit autoexit. Initialize the self learning program catfind() by displaying the input bins. These should contain H2O (liquid state, room temperature, 99% purity) and dry energy pellets. Immediately afterwards, display the output bin.
If the user already has a CAT unit successfully installed, it may be possible to download BASIC routines to the new CAT. For the first day or two, the CAT will stay in self learning mode. When the learn buffer overflows, the CAT will autoswitch to sleep() mode. This is normal. The MMU system will store the new information to permanent memory. Afer 72 hours, the CAT will be interacting with the operating environment.
The unit may be placed in direct sunlight. CAT units are operational in all axis: standing, sitting, or lying down. If all basic environment requirements are satisfied, the CAT system will produce a slight hum. This is normal.
A new CAT should not exit the primary site facility. Full portability comes after extensive burn in. Some users never let the CAT unit autoexit the site. The advantages are longer unit life and fewer bugs.
Contact with pirate CAT units may lead to unplanned BATCH iteration. Contact with untested CATs may lead to virus infection. If allowed to exit, some CAT units may try to port across a street. Fatal errors may happen. If you decide to let your CAT out, it should have a READ_ME.TXT file with a system address and URL which identifies the host site.
Your CAT should have a system name. The name may need to be reinitialized repeatedly until the system can read it correctly. This lets you issue voice commands to bring the unit to an online state. Many owners give their CATs a secret password as well. You can also get the CAT’s attention by booting the system. While this is effective, it is discouraged. Too
much booting will abuse the system. Such units will sit across the room with its back to you.
Applications: At present, there are few productivity applications for CAT.
MOUSE is a killer app. This is pre-installed.
Many owners use their system for game playing. CATs play best when they are young. Older units suffer a system timing decay which leads to reduced response and flexibility. Some CAT games are:
- CACHE: The CAT will CACHE a data string. Similar to the K9 unit game, but the object must be smaller.
- JUMP: Move the data string through the air. The CAT unit will reach new heights of operation.
- MIRROR: Place the unit in front of a mirror and watch it attempt to parse itself. Some units may ESCape. Reboot the system by calling its name.
- CHASE: Played between two CAT units or a CAT and a K9 unit. Units take turns as one is the data and the other attempts to parse it.
- DANCE and SING: Offer fishy data code to elicit a range of audio output.
Maintenance: CATs will self-recharge. This takes 20 hours in a 24 hour cycle.
CATs are self cleaning and require little user maintenance. Do not clean the unit with alcohol or benzine-based solvents. This may lead to a violent explosion.
A CAT unit should be taken once a year to a VET (Very Expensive Technician) for a system checkup.
Do not attempt to open a CAT. There are no user serviceable parts inside. If a unit emits strange smells or sounds, it should be serviced immediately by a VET.
You may examine the CAT system to determine if it has a male or female scuzzy port. If the port is male, then the CAT unit may emit a non-toxic aerosol. The VET can remove this component. CATs with female ports are plagued by periodic heating problems. The VET can fix this permanently by removing an internal part. Such systems should run unix.
Warning Notices: CAT systems are normally user friendly. However, in certain documented situations, a CAT may pose a danger to the user. Repeated jamming or obstruction of I/O ports may lead to deployment of auto-defense systems. Never attempt a first strike on a CAT system. Its CPU clock rate made to milspecs and thus classified, but JANE’S FIGHTING FELINES notes that a unit was seen by ham radio operators to be apparently moving at 500 mHz. Twin D-shaped five-pin connectors have an average seek rate of 3 nanoseconds. The manufacturer is not responsible for injuries to the user.
Children should not poke anything into the CAT’s I/O ports. CAT may BYTE.
In dry, cold weather, a surface electrostatic charge may build up. To avoid electric shock, stand on an insulated surface.
Do not operate the CAT above water. This may lead to end-user damage. Carry a CAT firmly. Do not swing it by its “tail”.
Service Life: As CATs become older, the learn program will recognize every situation. The CAT may become too smart for its own good.
CATs like to have their own toys. They often have hobbies, such as bird watching or studying tropical fish.
If you properly care for your CAT, it will give you years of loyal service. Many users get a second unit. Most users don’t need the extra capacity, but they enjoy the ability to run complex simulation games.
User Groups: CAT users can find other users and a FAQ on the Usenet newsgroup rec.pets.cats.community.
Lifetime Warranty: The CAT unit is guaranteed against catastrophic failure. Nine coupons are included.
Documented Problems: The Ctrl key on most CAT units is defective. This may lead to serious performance problems.
Do not install a BIRD unit at a site which has an operational CAT unit. These tend to disappear.
Models: Main frame, desktop and laptop models (smallest footprint in the industry). Available in 15 inch, 17 inch, and 19 inch sizes.
Interface: Touch sensitive interface for maximum user friendliness.
Memory: Not much. Upgrades available real soon now.
Expected Lifetime: 15 years with +/- 72 months (although 20 years are common).
Weight: 3-6 kilograms without optional cables.
Speed: 3 nanoseconds search/find with self-uprighting supertwist technology.
Color Graphics: Either paper white, monochrome (black/white), 64 grey shades, or maximum of 16 million colors with 40 terabits of high resolution floating point pixels.
Sound Chip 8 octaves, digital MIDI output (MI/OU).
Power Consumpution: 250 grams protein daily (2 micrograms per second.)
Operating Range: -30! to +45! C (-22! to 105!)
Vibration: 5-500 Hz, one octave/min, dwell at all resonance points.
Contacting CAT Technical Support: Our highly trained technicians are ready to help you. As soon as they wake up from their nap.
Submit your CAT bug report. Requests for enhancement (rfe), etc. Remember: it’s not a bug, it’s a flea. Don’t bother sending in your complaints: just like your CAT unit, our technicians won’t pay attention either.
Page last updated April 29, 2008.